Confession Time: What if I’m in over my head?

Hey everyone. It’s quite odd for me to submit a post on Tuesday, but this is something that I feel I have to get off my chest.

I just got done with a lot of research concerning the original plot to BnsEp#3 (Arc 1)…and I just got done abandoning that plot in favor for another one I wanted to cover as well. This was one of the many points in the past eight years I’ve been writing when I question myself: “Am I too ambitious? Did I dream too big?”

Sometimes, I feel the answer is “yes”. I remember how happy it makes me, and how it is so much more than a hobby to me, and that I want to do this. Not only because it makes me my own boss, but also because I wanted to tell a story, and hopefully reach out to other people who can appreciate it.

Sometimes, I feel the answer is “no”. I’m in a relationship. Our relationship needs care and attention. I have a stressful day job that, honestly, is so far from what I wanted to do that I wanted to snap back into reality and scream. I’m making no money off the thing I love, and while that’s not majorly important, it does affect my financial bottom line, and the amount of time I can devote to me dream career. I feel selfish when I ask for time alone to write, and I usually feel drained when I do have that time.

So I guess that begs the question: why am I doing this? The answer, on the surface, is simple: It makes me happy. I have a story I want to share (several stories, actually). I feel like it’s the only purpose I have in this world. I want to be my own boss. I want to make a decent living doing something I love. I may not have the education, but I’ve been mostly self-taught with almost everything in my life. Why not this, too?

That being said, I’d love to go back to college at some point and take a course on Creative Writing and Illustration. However…well…money and such.

I’m wondering if 2017 is too soon of a year to publish KoB. While it feels right to me, I have acknowledged that my “good” gut feelings don’t always turn out in my favor. Maybe I was excited because I’ve been working on a project for half a decade? Maybe a 2018 publishing date would be better for me: give me time to settle in the new home, more editing time, and more preparation time? Plus, more time for the Kickstarter to take off.

…I’m ashamed to say it, but as much as I try to adhere to a deadline/schedule, things just seem to fall apart. I can’t say anything else without it sounding like an excuse or otherwise…other than I wish I had some direction other than attempting to trust my gut.

Anyways, I’m happy to say that since I started this blog, I’ve been gaining more momentum, so that’s always a good thing. I’m grateful to each and every single one of you, and honestly, just seeing you all come take a glance at my blog is more than motivational. Maybe I’ll take a break from Keeper of Balance to work on a project I’ve been meaning to do for a long time…one I can actually post on this blog, maybe.

Anyways, other than the heavy revisions for the Bonus Episode timeline and unpacking, I’m doing fine. I’m sorry if this all comes off as complaining or something like that…but this was just something I had to get off my chest…and one of the struggles I tend to go through as a writer.

Edit: I’ve been talking with a friend/housemate of mine who suggested putting all of Arc 1 (Regular Episodes, Bonus Episodes, extras, illustrations, concept art, etc) in a single book. It would put the page total over 800 and have more content, but it would take longer to produce. I would have to delay Keepers of Balance for another year. I don’t wanna do that, but with the way things are going (and how Keepers of Balance was structured in the first place), it might be better to have all of Arc 1 in the same book. Feedback on the matter would be highly appreciated, and again, I’m sorry for having to delay so much. I want to make this happen. I really do. It’s all I have.

~Arrivederci~

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Author: CasSilber

Aspiring blogger, who also dreams of writing/illustrating/composing music for/publishing her own books (mainly light novels). Don't be afraid to chat--I don't bite!

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