…Have any of you ever had a nightmare?
This is going to sound %100 crazy, but as of late (I dunno…the past two years or so?), I’ve been dreaming vividly. There have been nights when I swear that I’ve traveled to other people’s dreams, and accidentally dragged other people into my dreams, even when I’m not thinking about them. Astral travel, it’s called.
For those who don’t know, yes, I consider myself something of a Pagan or a Wiccan, but I’ve mostly dabbled into the holistic (or if you wanna call it magick, then you can) side of things because of curiosity.Only now I consider it a “religion” because it did bring me comfort and strength in times of strife, and at times, has fueled my creativity.
I used to vividly dream all the time when I was a kid, and had my fair share of reoccurring dreams (one of my favorites is when I accidentally got locked into an art museum overnight. It was just me, my sketchbook, and the art around me). During high school, though, it all just stopped, and I was unable to dream again for a while. Suddenly, sometime after moving out of my mother’s house, I had started to dream again. Nothing vivid, and nothing I could really remember…but either way, I was starting to dream again. Had as couple of night terrors, too. Woke up from one that took place during a zombie apocalypse, and when one of them bit my ankle, I woke up to a sharp stabbing pain in the same ankle that took ages to go away.
Since my previous cat, Utah, passed away, the dreams became vivid almost every night, and only escalated from there after I turned 21. Astral travel became more of a common occurrence, and it was getting slightly easier to remember the things I dream about. I was trying to get control of it, hoping I can somehow steer myself while floating in this…this…this Inbetween.
There was…a particular dream I had that was so vivid, that I seriously thought I was awake the entire time…even after waking up multiple times throughout the dream.
I still remember this one, mostly because it hasn’t left my mind…and I haven’t had this dream in about a month.
Sorry, did I say dream? I meant a fucking nightmare.
Long story short, I was laying in bed (with my husband next to me), trying to go to sleep. I hear a strange sound. At first, I want to get up and see what was going on…but it was colder than usual that night, and I was very warm and comfortable. I turn around to my other side and put my arm over my husband, trying to ease myself into sleep. I get an odd feeling as I’m about to drift off. I turn over again, facing the door. I listen hard. I hear footsteps. Heavy footsteps, and heavy breathing. I froze as I looked through the darkness, looking my open door. This big man walks in, footsteps heavy, his breathing rough and just as heavy. I try to lay still, hoping that he would leave…but he knew I was awake. With surprising stealth and speed, he walks over and pulls me from the bed, throws me to the floor, and, while keeping a hand over my mouth the entire time…rapes me.
I realize it’s a dream by that point (I’ve been getting good at reminding myself that a dream is just that: a dream. Doesn’t mean they can’t hurt you, though…) and I struggle, trying to wake up. I can literally feel my nerves going into hyper drive, desperately trying to signal the rest of my body to wake up and move…but I couldn’t. I couldn’t move, and I couldn’t wake up. I couldn’t scream. I couldn’t do anything but…lie there. Helpless.
Finally, I jolt myself awake, but it didn’t last long. I wanted to get up and go to the bathroom to collect myself…but I couldn’t. My body felt heavy, like of lead. My eyes slid shut once more, and once more, I fell into the dream…where the exact same thing happened again.
Each time, I was fighting, struggling. The only difference was the men who came. The second time was this skinny guy. The third was some sort of well-built model or athlete. The signal from my brain would not reach the rest of my body, until very close to the end. The fourth time I unwillingly slipped off to sleep, things turned out differently. I was crumpled on the bed, crying, because I knew it was gonna happen again.My husband was there, and because he was unaware of the whole thing, he was trying to calm me down, convince me that nothing happened. I became more distraught, and I fought harder, knowing that it was, again, just a dream…but I didn’t want to go through the same experience a fourth time.
Finally, I jolt awake, throw off my covers, and head straight for the bathroom. I stayed in there a long time. I eventually return to bed…and then proceeded to just lay awake, scared and shaking, for the rest of the night, until my alarm clock for work rang.
That feeling: when you’re trapped in a nightmare, and you know it’s a nightmare, but you can’t wake up, no matter what you do? It’s a scary feeling, and it usually shakes me up pretty bad.
Now, I’m sure you’re all reading this and are saying/thinking to yourselves: “What is she going on about? Did she really break her posting schedule just to blather on about nightmares and dreams?”
Short answer, ja, but it all ties into the reason why I’m posting this today and not tomorrow. Long answer is because that sensation I described above? The exact same thing happened last night…except with a much different nightmare. I know this post is already pretty long, buuut…I still remember a lot of it, and if I don’t get this off my chest/mind now, it’s going to haunt me for a while.
It started out innocently enough: my dad and I were taking a trip to the zoo. We get our tickets and we go in. That’s when I realize that I didn’t have my camera with me. We decide to go to the gift shop and buy one of those disposable cameras to use for the trip there. The catch? The only exit out of the gift shop took us back to the front of the building, where you had to buy your tickets again if you wanted to go back in. Another weird thing about this zoo is that only a certain number of people can enter at a time, and if the limit of people within the zoo is reached, you would have to wait until the current group leaves (it was here when I started to recognize this zoo…it was a zoo I dreamed about before, but it looked slightly different). We really wanted to go back in, so we purchased our tickets and waited.
That’s when the workers were going through a shift change, and they had started up an A.I. program (I forgot its name) to run things until more workers came in.
It mocked us. It made fun of us, and made us wait longer than we were supposed to. I had my Surface Pro 3 with me, so I decided to do some KoB writing while waiting (I had already figured out it was a dream long before this point, and had decided if I could control what I was doing to pass the time. I was successful). Them somehow, the A.I. hijacks my Surface, threatening to erase everything for….honestly, no reason, I guess. I think it was bitter or something. Finally, it let my dad and I enter the zoo, but told me I couldn’t take my Surface with me. I begin to leave it behind, when I notice that the A.I. was going into my files, and was starting to change things. I stop it and pull out the micro SD card that all of my important files were on. I threatened it, saying that if it ever did something like that again, I would pull its binary code apart slowly. Painfully. 1 by 1…and 0 by 0. My dad and I are a little freaked out, but nevertheless, we go through the zoo and generally have a good time. We return to the gift shop/exit, and that’s when I notice that my Surface was gone. My dad told me not to worry, and he’ll help me get a new one another day. I didn’t care too much, because I had the SD card with me.
We leave the zoo. It’s nighttime. Dad gets a phone call. Somehow, I take out a pair of roller blades and start rollerblading around. I take a bad fall, leaving my head spinning. I catch up back to him despite this, and he tells me that his car had been stolen, and that we needed to walk. I take off the roller blades because my head was spinning too much, and I didn’t want to fall again.
This is where things start to become…unsettling.
We begin our walk and while walking, we see some people dressed up in odd clothing…like they’re auditioning to star in a horror movie or something. They wander the streets randomly, kinda like zombies, muttering insanely to themselves. I remember one of them breaking into a high-pitched howling laughter as we pass him, dad commenting on the craziness as the man pulls out a canister and starts spraying…something into the air. I start to feel dizzier, and wasn’t able to breathe very well. I think it might have been ammonia (I react very badly around ammonia, and will often refuse to clean with it or touch it). My dad urges that we get a move on, to he starts jogging lightly, somewhat unaware of my condition. I try to catch up. At some point, things started escalating. I can’t remember the run very well, nor the crazies that were in our path, but I do remember the feeling of dread. That same feeling I get when playing Five Nights at Freddy’s, when you know the animatronics are going to get you…but you just don’t know when.
Dad’s far ahead of me at this point. I’m struggling to catch up. I try to urge myself to go faster, but at this point, I can do nothing but watch. Nothing but experience. On the street before our house (we were heading for my childhood home), I came across a girl(?) in a costume that looks like Hatsune Miku, one of the Vocaloids (characters from a Japanese music program. They’re all essentially digital pop stars, and lots of people use the program to make songs). It was kind of a chibi version of her (like the one I linked to above), except…it looked like she had a collab with deadmau5 and her clothes were lined with neon. As soon as I saw her, the street around me literally turned into a concrete tunnel, with green neon lights piercing through the darkness. She was moving funny, almost as if she was drunk. She was teetering around, spinning and wobbling, muttering nonsense and softly singing “La la la~” to herself. Then, just as I start walking, the lights changed from green to red. The expression on her changed into this twisted and distorted evil smile. She started screaming and running wildly at me.
I force myself to move, my hand poised over the canister of pepper spray I carry around with me in waking life (it materialized suddenly on my hip when I wished I had protection. Even my little Kingdom Hearts figure was on it–a chibi version of this guy) as I aim to run past her. Suddenly, just as we’re getting mere feet away from each other, the lights suddenly snap back to green, and Hatsune Miku returns to…normal, I guess. She stops, giggles, and says in a sing-song voice: “Ahh, that’s better~”, and continues to teeter past me, singing to herself. I stand there, confused, and honestly, by this point, scared. Suddenly, the lights snap back to red, and I hear her screaming again. I don’t even look back as I run away.
Finally, I reach my street, and bolt for the house. The lights were on, and thankfully, the front door was unlocked. I fling myself in and proceed to lock every door and window in the house. Dad’s nowhere to be seen, but my…my mother’s home.
I try to ignore the icy pit in my stomach, almost ready to try to shake myself awake at this point. I try, but to no avail. My heart drops like a stone, but I press on.
I go to the bathroom to make sure the window there is locked. I hear footsteps behind me. I turn around. There’s my “mother”. Her flat and matted hair fell over her eyes…but I could see the smile. It was a cruel smile. I’ve seen that smile on her face before, when I unwillingly dreamed about her, but…but this time, it was different.
It was more murderous than previous incarnations.
I shakily greet her, asking her what was wrong. It was then I noticed the knife. She begins to laugh softly. She slowly begins to bring up the knife. I react first. I take out the canister of pepper spray and I aim it at her face. She takes the spray full force to the face, but it didn’t seem to affect her. She starts laughing harder as the spray soaks her face. She’s not even fazed. Suddenly, she begins to swing the knife at me, trying to slash me, trying to stab me, trying to hurt me. I try my best to dodge, and at some point, I even try to wrestle the knife from her. During this entire struggle, I’m trying to get myself to wake up. I was screaming in the dream and in my head, calling out for my dad, calling out for my husband, pleading my mother to stop, calling out for someone to WAKE ME UP!!!
…but alas…no help came, and I couldn’t wake up.
Finally, I ducked under her swipes and escaped. Everything in the house was twisted. I saw rotting hands and claws reaching out to me from the shadows, trying to hold me in place. All I had was my pepper spray. I could hear her stomping around, laughing and calling out to me in the same twisted sing-song voice the possessed Hatsune Miku chibi had.
I try to take control of the dream, wanting to leave out the back mudroom door, climb the fence, and try to find some area of peace where I could try to wake myself up again…but when I descended down the steps leading to the mudroom, the door suddenly vanished, with nothing but a cold stone wall to block my only means of escape. I hear her coming after me. I have no choice but to head to the basement instead. I’ve always hated out basement as a kid. I was always afraid of it. However, my dad had his woodworking workshop down in one of the rooms, and I knew I could use something there to defend myself.
I reached the bottom of the stairs, going into the pitch-black basement. I will a ball of light to my hand, lighting up my surroundings.
I wish I didn’t.
My dad and my husband’s bodies were affixed onto the wall, the bellies sliced open, revealing their innards. On the wall as well were the heads of Utah and Annabelle.
My stomach churns. I lose it. I collapse to the floor, unable to stop staring, yet unable to move.
“This is a dream. This is a dream. This is a dream this is a dream this is a dream this is a dream this is a dream this is a DREAM THIS IS A DREAM THIS IS A DREAM THIS IS A DREAM THIS IS A DREAM THIS IS A DREAM THIS IS A DREAM THIS IS A DREAM—
I sit up suddenly, gasping for breath, shaking harder than an earthquake in California. I’m finally awake. My husband jolts awake as well and puts his arms around me, calmly helping me breathe as we slowly lay back down. He eventually dozes back off…I however, couldn’t go back to sleep. I got up, went to the bathroom, then started writing this. I’ve only been awake for an hour. I’m still pale. I’m still shaking. I still feel like I can’t breathe.
I…I…I can’t…I’m just gonna end this here, I…I’m sorry.