Still drained, but feeling more like myself.

A LGBTQ-Fest seems to be a good way of kicking off National Pride Month, huh?

Y’know, earlier today, I had this whole mini-speech planned out about how LGBTQ has affected not only my writing, but also my life as a whole. I was even gonna confess this blurb about the time I came out as bisexual to my mother. I wasn’t planning on closing today, but like with most weekends for the past several weeks, I ended up staying anyways.

Anyways, I was talking to some friends about the weird dreams I’ve been having ( and about how the the one about London NOT being safe seems to be coming true…), and Niax brought up a solution–one I can’t believe I’ve overlooked all this time. I needed a good chunk of malachite. If I remember correctly, malachite can be used for remembering dreams, and can help you stay grounded during those weird/trippy/vivid/lucid dreams. They can also help chase away nightmares. I’ll admit, I love going to my local Pride Fest because of the cool vendors and stands they have there. While out, I stopped at one of my favorite shops to get holistic stones, and asked if they had a large chunk of malachite available. I had already bought a bracelet of it from one of the vendors, but I needed a chunk to keep near me while I slept. A helpful clerk brought me over to a display case. They had malachite stones carved and cut into the shape of owls. There was this lovely one I saw that I really wanted…but it was priced at about $90 (USD). I saw one I liked almost as much for only $30, so I went for that one instead. Our bed has a window above it. Owls are one of my spirit animals. Currently, she’s sitting in the window above my bed. Since placing her there, I’ve felt better in general, and my quality of sleep has improved slightly.

Speaking of London…I’m actually quite devastated over the attacks in London. Like I’ve probably said before, I’ve considered it a second home, and if I were ever to give up my US citizenship, it would be one of the first places I would consider moving to (aside from New Zealand and Amsterdam). If I have any readers in London (or in the UK overseas in general), then I beg of you all: please stay safe. Things have been escalating more and more, and I fear the worst. I know the US is full of idiots (hell, there’s one in office right now. Still think it was a good idea to vote?), but I want at least some of you to know that I’m not the only one standing by your side. It’s a shame that only in times of tragedy we all come together like this…but I believe that this will only make, us as the world, stronger, and maybe someday, we can unite…without tragedy acting as the catalyst.

~With London I Stand~

Getting back on my feet

Ugh, thank gods I’m shaking off this sickness or whatever I had. These past couple of days has been miserable for me. I had a very sore throat, my skin felt like pins and needles, and I could barely lift my head up off my pillow. Yesterday, all I did was sleep, play Skyrim, and eat some soup my hubby made me when he got home. Even today, I’m not feeling 100%.

As for tomorrow…I do have to work. I might go to sleep earlier than normal because of it. Not sure what I’m doing after work, but we’ll see.

Editing progress on Episode #3 has been going smoothly. I finished a couple of KoB snippets here and there.

Oh, I wanted to mention this real quick: In the first or second week on June, I plan on doing a weekly stream of Skyrim. More like my own playthrough or whatever. I’ll be creating a new character, and keeping up these weekly episodes as much as possible. And yes, I will be playing with mods. I’ll leave a list of mods down in the description of each YouTube livestream, and will go over my list of mods at the start of each part (or “Episode”), just in case anyone is curious enough to try them out.

One last thing: late in June, my husband, my dad, my soon-to-be-stepmom, and myself will be heading down south for a family reunion. We’ll be gone for a bit, meaning that I won’t be able to post anything come that week. I’ll let you guys know again before we actually head down south.

Also, I just got done watching Logan, finally. For the third time this month, my feels got kicked hard in the dick. Just…just damn.

I wish I had a little more to write about this post. I guess I’ll talk to you guys all on Tuesday!

~Arrivederci!~

An Ode to the Unjustly Unloved

An Ode to the Unjustly Unloved:

For all my life, this day was held dear to us all. When I was younger (younger than I am now), I never fathomed the possibility that I would be looking at the day in a whole new light…a bitter light.

For I learned, the hard way, that not all mothers are worth celebrating.

I am, of course, talking about Mother’s Day. My loving husband showed me a post on Facebook just the other day about this. I read something similar about the subject last year. The post and article both preached the same message—a message I connected with heavily.

Not everyone has loving mothers. Abusive, drunks, drug-addicts, manipulators…sadly, these are the types of mothers that exist. Sadly, we have a day dedicated to all mothers—including these. The children who grew up underneath the “care” of these “mothers” will understand exactly what I’m talking about—having moms who put them down, beat them, or just straight-up neglect them.

Or worse still, a combination for both.

I’m not writing this to play tic-for-tat. I think that kind of thing is childish, and it’s one of the reasons why our civilization can’t unite together, and improve our society. I’m writing this not only for myself—but in the hopes that, maybe someday, some year—that someone else will read this around this particular time of year, and will feel that they are not alone…despite feeling so on this “holiday”.

The post my husband showed me said that if you can’t celebrate your mother, then celebrate yourself. For your mental health, you do whatever you have to for you. Whether that means spending time with a mother figure, spending time with your friends (if you can), spending time with your other family (blood-related or no), spending the day pampering and treating yourself…or avoiding the day altogether.

It really pains me that I can’t do the last solution—if I could, I would do everything in my power to forget the day even existed. I’ve longed this for what feels like an eternity.

So, in order to stay as sane as I could, I decided to write out this passage. Not only to release emotional pressure, but as a sort of message. I want everybody to enjoy this day, no matter who they are…and I mean this from the bottom of my heart. Having to forcibly separate yourself from your mother for whatever reason is a pain I don’t wish upon any. Finding out secrets, and the truths behind lies about the woman who brought you into this world, is painful.

Seeing everyone else happy on this day and looking onwards, wondering…why can’t I be that happy?

Never think once for a moment, unloved child, that it is your fault. Feel sad that you can’t partake in the day. Feel happy that you got away from a woman who should have never put your in this situation. Feel angry—maybe even hateful. Feel however you need to feel. But realize that, even though it may not feel like it, you are not alone.

…Even if the one you want to celebrate Mother’s Day with isn’t so much of a “mother” at all.